You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
