I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
