Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
And then he peed in my hair
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