dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
