drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I cut my penus on the lid.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
