I'm lost and stupid without you.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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