I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you will always have a special place in my vag
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
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