My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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