rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
