No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
