He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
