we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
