So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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