I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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