i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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