Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
