I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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