So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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