I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
