If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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