Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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