drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
