Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
