saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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