I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
