I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
