Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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