How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Four minutes until I can fart!
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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