Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
try to milk me bitch
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