just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm bleeding and have questions
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