new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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