Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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