She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
