my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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