and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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