the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
