Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
