So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
