The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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