i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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