I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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