I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
