just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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