i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
