how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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