I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
