Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
