i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I checked into jail on foursquare
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
