i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
