My cat gives me a boner
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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